Post Buffet Depression

Santa Clara, CA - As promised, I ate at Hometown Buffet last night with my unsuspecting friend, Eric. I would like to start this review by making it clear that this is only my second trip to Hometown Buffet and it will probably be my last. However, unlike my first time I had high hopes for this visit. This is mainly because I remembered it being edible and similar to the food at my freshman dorm. So there was a chance that the Hometown Buffet cuisine could be delicious, right?

WRONG! HOW VERY WRONG I WAS!!

This place is absolutely mind-boggling. I sampled almost everything on the menu and whoever was responsible for preparing the food managed to f*ck up EVERYTHING that I ate. But let's not ruin this review with generalities - read below for the specifics.

7:45 p.m. PST- I picked up Eric and the two of us arrived at the Santa Clara Hometown Buffet. At first I was shocked at how nice the building looked from the outside. As you can see from the photo above, the restaurant appeared clean but like most of the girls I meet these days, something that looks clean doesn't mean that it actually is on the inside. My expectations continued to be pretty high as we followed a family of three into the entrance. "This can't be that bad if these people are choosing to have a family dinner here," I thought to myself. Well, I learned something very startling about people last night and that is that those who choose to eat at Hometown Buffet are not people - they are animals.

Eric and I then walked up the register, ordered our meals, then I waited for the hag behind the counter to ring up two dinners before I slapped down my coupon and said, "Ummm, I think one of those will be on the house tonight, sweetheart!" Then she quickly took one dinner off the tab, we each paid our $6 and we were on our merry way.

7:53 p.m. PST - Salad Course

This is about when the reality of the situation finally set in. The lettuce at this make-shift salad bar looked as if it had been sitting out for days. This makes sense since if it weren't for the Ranch dressing, the Hometown Buffet "regulars" probably wouldn't even know that the salad bar exists. After looking around it was probably safe to assume that we were the first patrons of the day to eat salad based solely on the size of the asses that were in the place.

My salad was pretty standard except for maybe the Jello. I thought it added a nice hint of sweet to my plate of disgustingness. Eric rolled the dice with the coleslaw but he ate it all so I assume it didn't disappoint.

8:05 p.m. PST - First Course

We finished our salads in record time and quickly moved onto our first course. It is true that at Hometown Buffet the possibilities are pretty much endless. I filled my plate with all of my favorite foods - meatloaf, fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, nachos, and a mystery food that ended up being stuffing. Actually on second thought not one of these foods could be considered a favorite of mine. In fact, I would never go to a restaurant and order any of that crap but, you see, that's the beauty of Hometown Buffet - you learn a lot about yourself.

What caught me most off guard was how little the nacho cheese tasted like nacho cheese. It resembled nacho cheese but it clearly was mislabeled or something. As you can see, Eric continued to roll the dice by adding some shrimp as a side dish to his pizza, meatloaf, fried chicken, and cheeseburger combination plate. It would have been impressive if he had eaten everything but I think he only took about three bites before he tossed the plate in the clean up bin when the bus-woman wasn't looking.

8:16 p.m. PST - Second Course

The feeling of emptiness set in around this time but we didn't let that stop us. I quickly walked right up to the counter with a fresh plate and covered it with some slices of pizza, a cheese enchilada, chicken fajitas, and one of the cheeseburgers that I spied sitting in a pan of grease (I sh*t you not!). The tortillas for the fajitas were stretchy and the enchilada was hard to keep down. I had to keep looking up at the photos of extreme sports that were hung on the walls for inspiration. Check it out:

So sick! Hometown Buffet is EXTREME!

Eric slowed down considerably during this course. All he picked up was the mystery meat that they were passing off as "steak" and Jello. Quite the combination. The Jello went down but I think the steak was still on the plate when the bus-woman came back to our table during her rounds.

8:29 p.m. PST - Dessert

If there had been more photos of extreme sport on the walls then I would have considered going back to the feed stations for another round. Unfortunately by this stage I had used them all up and it was time for dessert. There really isn't much to report since it's damn near impossible to screw up ice cream. Eric insisted we fill up bowls instead of using the plates that were provided. So that we did. Luckily chewing and swallowing was kept to a minimum and everything went down smoothly.

This was also around the time when Eric asked how much money it would take for me to eat some french fries covered in gravy and nacho cheese. I thought to myself, "No way in hell!" but for some reason I did it for free . . .

8:35 p.m. PST - Gravy and Nacho Cheese French Fries Course

This was totally unnecessary and I am sure that after looking at these photos you will agree. It was now 8:35 p.m. and we were informed that Hometown Buffet closes at 8:30 p.m. Luckily I had plenty of time to finish the fries since it took a while for the staff to escort the homeless people who were eating there off of the premises.

ugh

Needless to say, there will be no Hometown Buffets in my future . . . well, unless they send me another coupon. Who's in?!